Thoughts on Communication

We love The Backyardigans in our house. The other day the kids were watching the episode with the volcano sisters. The premise of the show is that the volcano sisters want something and the luau brothers have to figure out what it is. The sisters sing a song that goes "We know what we want. We know what we don't want. So get us what we want." They give no clues or hints, so the luau brothers go to great lengths to bring them wonderful things. The problem is, if the brothers don't get the sisters what they want in a timely manner, they are going to make the volcano explode.
While I was busy dancing around the kitchen to their catchy songs, John rolled his eyes and said "That's just like a girl. Expecting her wants to met, without even a clue, or she will explode." This really brought together some thoughts I've been having on communication...
For Valentine's Day, we went to a marriage seminar at Thanksgiving Point. It wasn't great until the last speaker, John Lund. I loved his idea. His talk was called "Own your words." What does that mean? I thought. He explained (and this is me paraphrasing) "I realize that nonverbal communication is just as big, if not bigger than verbal communication. The problem with that is, I'm not an expert in reading body language. For example, one Saturday afternoon I had nothing going on, so I ask my wife if she wants to go see a movie with me. She sighs, drops her shoulders, rolls her eyes, and says "Yes." Great. We head to the movies. At the theater, she is being grumpy and rude to me, so I ask what the problem is. She says she wishes she were home because she had a lot to get done there. "Then why did you say you wanted to come to the movies with me?" Her jaw drops in disbelief that I didn't read all her signs of hesitancy. "Look" I tell her "I don't have a calculator in which to enter things such as eye rolls and sighs and have it spit out the real meaning of your words. You said 'Yes' so I accepted that yes. You have to own your words."
A story of my own...
My first birthday as a married woman, John was in school full time and working. I was less busy. He had a study group (or something of importance) the night of my birthday. I assured him it was fine, "Go to your group. It's not a big deal. We can do something after." He told me "I truly don't have time to plan anything. Is just a late dinner okay?" I probably sighed, dropped my shoulders and rolled my eyes. "Yes" I said.
He hurried his group along, got home at a decent hour and we went to dinner. On the way home I started to cry. "What's wrong?" he asked. I'm sure my jaw dropped in disbelief. "All we did for my birthday," I whined "is go to a late dinner."
I didn't own my words. I had told him it was okay more than once. Just like John Lund, John Jonas doesn't have a calculator to enter in each of my actions, along with my words, and receive the true meaning of what I am saying.
Not long after that, I become good friends with Dana Deluca. She still is a good friend of mine. She is no nonsense and smart. I remember her saying to me once "My husband is too clueless to be a mind reader, so I tell him what I want and don't want and he always meets my needs and desires." Thanks Dana! Ever since then I have "owned my words."
I still communicate nonverbally. That's nature. But if I say something, whether I mean it or not, I still follow through. I won't go grumpy to the movies with my husband, because if I have agreed to go, then I owe it to him to be nice.
And this year for my birthday (it's next week, by the way) I want an Ipod nano with an arm strap for running and I want to eat at the Melting Pot. John knows this. I've said it out loud, in those words. No magazine ad cutouts or sentences like "I've never eaten at the Melting Pot" or "My Ipod is too big to run with." Just my words, that I own, to communicate. I like it like that.